Have you ever found yourself feeling manipulated or drained after an interaction with someone, wondering what just happened? If so, you may have been caught in a transactional game. These psychological games are a hallmark of narcissistic behavior, where every interaction is carefully measured and calculated to benefit the narcissist.
Understanding Transactional Games
Transactional games are a concept from transactional analysis, a psychological theory that examines how individuals interact with one another. In healthy relationships, interactions are straightforward and genuine. However, narcissists approach every interaction with an agenda, treating relationships as transactions to get what they want.
The Narcissist’s Playbook
Here are some common transactional games narcissists play:
The Manipulative Compliment: Narcissists often use flattery and compliments to gain favor or control.
Example: Imagine your narcissistic boss praises your work on a project, telling you it’s the best they’ve ever seen. Later, they ask you to work over the weekend on another project, implying that you owe it to the team because of your exceptional skills. The initial compliment was designed to create a sense of indebtedness.
Gaslighting: A more sinister game, gaslighting involves the narcissist making you doubt your reality.
Example: You remember clearly that you told your partner about an important appointment. They insist you never mentioned it and accuse you of being forgetful or dishonest. Over time, you start doubting your memory and sanity, making it easier for them to control you.
The Victim Card: In this game, the narcissist portrays themselves as the victim to elicit sympathy and support.
Example: A narcissistic friend constantly talks about how everyone misunderstands them and how much they suffer. They use your sympathy to ask for favors, like borrowing money or demanding your time, making you feel guilty if you refuse.
Triangulation: Narcissists often bring a third party into the mix, creating a triangle of manipulation.
Example: A narcissistic family member might tell you how another family member said something negative about you. This causes you to feel insecure and strive harder for their approval, while also sowing discord and competition within the family.
Assumptive Manipulation: Narcissists tend to make a lot of assumptions about other people, often projecting their own insecurities and expectations onto them.
Example: Your narcissistic colleague assumes you are trying to undermine them because they feel insecure about their own abilities. They might spread rumors about you or accuse you of plotting against them, all based on their unfounded assumptions.
Lessons from Personal Experience
From my own experiences, I've learned just how pervasive and damaging these transactional games can be. If you're around a narcissistic person long enough, they will eventually reveal their strategies, often leveraging previous interactions and transactions for their benefit.
Example: A narcissistic parent might frequently remind you of how much they sacrificed for you in the past. They use this to guilt-trip you into fulfilling their current demands, such as financial support or constant attention. They keep a mental ledger of every transaction, ready to exploit it when necessary. This tactic not only keeps you indebted to them but also reinforces their control over you.
The Impact on Victims
Being on the receiving end of these transactional games can be emotionally and psychologically exhausting. It erodes self-esteem, fosters dependency, and creates a constant state of anxiety and confusion. Victims often find themselves questioning their worth and reality, trapped in a cycle of manipulation.
Breaking Free
Understanding that narcissists view interactions as transactions is the first step in breaking free from their games.
Here are some strategies:
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what you will and will not tolerate. Stick to these boundaries, even if the narcissist tries to push them.
Example: If your narcissistic friend often borrows money, set a firm boundary that you won't lend money anymore. Be consistent in upholding this boundary.
Stay Grounded in Reality: Trust your perceptions and feelings. Keep a journal if necessary to document events and interactions, helping you maintain a clear sense of reality.
Example: When dealing with gaslighting, write down the details of important conversations and events. This can help you validate your experiences and defend against manipulative distortions.
Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist. They can provide perspective and validation, helping you navigate and counteract the narcissist's tactics.
Example: Share your experiences with a close friend who understands the dynamics of narcissistic behavior. Their support can help you see the manipulation more clearly and reinforce your boundaries.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being. Engage in activities that foster self-esteem and mental health, ensuring you remain resilient against manipulation.
Example: Regularly engage in hobbies, exercise, and mindfulness practices that strengthen your sense of self and reduce stress caused by the narcissistic individual's behavior.
Conclusion
Transactional games are a favored tool in the narcissist's arsenal, turning every interaction into a calculated move for control and gain. By recognizing these games and their impact, you can take steps to protect yourself and regain your sense of self. Remember, genuine relationships are built on mutual respect and authenticity, not manipulation and transactions.