I know I’m not alone in this struggle. For over 40 years, I have dealt with both overt and covert narcissism. My paternal grandfather, Pa, exhibited overt malignant narcissism during the first 20+ years of my life, while my mother-in-law, Milly, has displayed covert malignant narcissism for the past 20 years. Throughout this time, I have also faced numerous health issues.
I am currently writing a detailed account of my experiences, titled "Narcissists All Around Me: My Chaotic Journey as a Scapegoat," which I plan to publish in Q4 2024.
Early Encounters with Narcissism
My journey with narcissism began early in life with my paternal grandfather, Pa. Pa was an overt malignant narcissist, and his behavior profoundly impacted the first 18 years of my life. He was domineering, always needing to be the center of attention, and his sense of entitlement knew no bounds. Pa's narcissism manifested in blatant ways—he would often belittle others to elevate himself, and his lack of empathy was evident in his interactions with family members.
Growing up under Pa's influence was challenging. His constant need for admiration and his manipulative tactics created a toxic environment. He would often use intimidation and fear to maintain control, making it difficult for anyone to challenge his authority. Pa's overt narcissism left a lasting impression on me, shaping my understanding of narcissistic behavior and its impact on relationships.
These early experiences with Pa set the stage for my later encounters with narcissism, particularly with my mother-in-law, Milly, who exhibited covert malignant narcissistic traits. Understanding Pa's overt malignant narcissism helped me recognize and navigate the more subtle, yet equally damaging, behaviors of covert malignant narcissists like Milly.
The early years with Milly were marked by the "love bomb" phase. She was overly helpful, which I later realized was a tactic to gain control. A significant turning point occurred during Easter 2008 when my wife, our daughter, my in-laws, and I visited Virginia. Milly and Billy, my father-in-law, stayed with my grandparents. During this visit, Milly gathered as much information about me as she could, setting the stage for the next 16 years.
The Impact on My Family
My wife and I are celebrating our 20th anniversary this year, but instead of celebrating, we are rebuilding our marriage. Milly has consistently undermined me in front of my children and wife, saying things like:
- "You don’t have to listen to him."
- "That idea is stupid."
- "He doesn’t love you like I do."
- "Don’t believe him."
She has also made hurtful comments directly to me, such as:
- "You’re the son I never wanted."
- "I raised Julie not to depend on men."
Milly's actions and words have driven wedges between me, my wife, and our children. She has kept them from helping and supporting me, leading to deep distrust and financial strain. Meanwhile, Billy and other family members are enablers and flying monkeys.
Specific Incidents and Examples
Milly often made excuses for why Julie and the kids did not have to help me. For instance, she would say, "If you want it done, you do it," or "He can manage on his own." These comments not only undermined my credibility but also isolated me from my family's support.
Health Issues
Throughout my life, I have faced numerous health issues, which are chronic and have been with me since childbirth. These were often dismissed by Milly, who convinced Julie that I was lying about my condition. This lack of support made it incredibly difficult to manage my health effectively.
Financial Strain
Financially, Milly's influence was devastating. Julie is not making any income, and we are reliant on what I have saved up. Time is counting down for us to make income, and there is nothing I can physically do anymore.
Emotional Impact
The emotional toll of not being believed by my own family was immense. For years, I felt isolated and unsupported, which severely affected my mental health. It wasn't until about a year ago that Julie started to believe me, which has been a slow but crucial turning point in our relationship. It's draining to try and convince people to trust you, especially those that are supposed to trust you.
Positive Moments
Interestingly, there were only two nice things Milly ever said to me. One of them was when she complimented my decision to buy servers and network gear, calling it a "great investment." Ironically, I had to cash out a 401k to afford these items, driven by financial desperation. What she didn't know, or perhaps enjoyed, was the underlying struggle behind that decision.
Recently, she also remarked, "The farm looks great!" What she should understand is that it took me losing my job for the farm to look great, so that I had enough time, in between health flare-ups, to do farm work. Or maybe she does care and enjoys it; again, she’s rather twisted!
However, these moments were few and far between and often felt insincere.
Support System
I want to extend a special thank you to the following individuals for their invaluable support:
- Dr. Ramani Durvasula - [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani)
- Dr. Les Carter - [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism)
- Rebecca C. Mandeville - [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse)
- Tamie M. Joyce - [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@TamieMJoyce)
Their videos really helped me know I'm not alone and gave me tools to lead my life.
I also want to thank my wife, Julie for finally seeing her mom for what she is!
Until next time,
Alan